I belong to a few different breast implant support groups. I try to visit them periodically to check in with support friends that I have made, and also to answer the questions of girls who are new to the group and are looking for support and understanding.

I’ve been corresponding with one young Mother who has decided to explant. I would like to share her story because I believe she has a lot of great points that every woman considering getting implants should hear before they make a final decision on breast implants. Here is her story:

I got my saline implants (450 ccs..that’s a lot..I was a small small B) the summer of 1999. I didn’t research. I didn’t care. I was insecure and wanted them BIGGER. My boobs have always been pretty, but they were too small in my mind. I guess I had associated big with sexy. Maybe it’s a Texas thing, I don’t know. Well, I got my wish. They were mammoth on me, and hard, I thought this was normal.

Fast forward one year later, capsular contracture surgery. My body was putting up a good fight against this foreign enemy in my chest. Capsular Contracture is when your body forms a scar tissue around the implant causing pain and tightness. I had a 20 percent chance (gotta love percentiles) of them correcting themselves. Well, they loosened up a little, but in the end they eventually got worse. They never dropped like they were “supposed” to.

Fast forward to breastfeeding Loren. My right breast never produced the same amount of milk as the left one (the one without all the problems) and I seemed to always get clogged ducts. It was painful to feed her, but I felt guilty and tried for as long as I could.

My pregnancy with Loren and the whole idea of nourishing her with my body really opened my eyes to the perfectly “me” breasts that God gave me in the first place. I didn’t view my boobs as these things to be sexy anymore. I never really did after the implants. It was like dressing a doll or something that didn’t belong to me.

I thought about them all the time. What shirts would showcase them. How to balance the lower half of my outfit with the top so I wouldn’t look “too” slutty. I was supposed to have gotten these to boost my confidence, right? I became even more obsessed with how I looked because I thought about the image I gave and I got used to the attention I received from men. I would look to see if they had looked. I wasn’t even attracted to them; it was about getting my fix for the day from their approval. Men are simple. I could have been flat and doing the same things and getting attention. I wondered how many of them would have given me a second look had I not had them in, and why this new me cared so much about some loser’s opinion of the balls under my shirt.

I think about the times I focused on the outer me when all of that wasted time could have been honed into a hobby, laughter, doing what I went to go do that day in the first place! I also started seeing and thinking of myself as a ‘butterface”. Everything is nice, “butterface”. How awful. I never had those thoughts before. It was almost better to be this kind of attractive in a strange way flat girl, then someone whose body didn’t fit her face. That is how I saw myself because no one commented on my legs anymore. Or my eyes. Or my smile. Just my boobs. Not my personality. Because I wasn’t a good person. I didn’t think I was, so I wasn’t conveying it.

I had stopped being funny and more “sexy”. Funny, I still didn’t know how to enjoy myself in the bedroom with my husband, and I couldn’t fully trust that he was attracted to me. This was not all attributed to the implants, but I think somewhere in the back of your mind those implants did not help. I am fake, that was the feeling.

I thought about pleasing him and if he was happy, instead of just letting myself enjoy the moment. It took a long time to enjoy the marriage bed, but when I finally did it was wonderful and it had nothing to do with how my body looked or anything relating to the implants. It was about me, him and all these chemicals and emotions…and sometimes nothing at all! After 3 years of marriage, I finally allowed myself to enjoy it. I thought having those implants would help me be this awesome sexual creature, but it did the opposite. Thankfully, I am married to an understanding patient person. 3 years of marriage it took to finally let go!

It also led me to start researching the effects of having them in while breastfeeding and while I didn’t find too much information tied to it, my common sense told me it can’t be ideal.

Back pain and the tension in the neck and shoulders are constants with me. Pretty bras. Forget about it. We’re talking 1950 pointy boobed Cross Your Heart and hope to die because your carrying these bowling balls where two perfectly good handfuls used to be, your grandmother’s bra that you found draped over the tub along with her nylons. HOT. And forget about them staying perky. They didn’t. They stayed round. All the way around. Not natural. The breast should have a dip and be fuller at the bottom. Not these puppies. They barely move when I run and I have to wear two sports bras when I do just to feel normal. And that used to be one of my spots. Nope. Not anymore. They practically have to be abused to be felt. Haha. That does not happen so please stop. The brain fog is there. I don’t know if it is related to the implants, but I am not waiting any longer to find out.

What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I miss being active, having more energy, wearing fitting shirts and not looking like I am trying to get negative attention. I miss being me. I still had the funny girl persona inside and now I felt like I was pulling off some sort of scam.

I won’t go into the physical side effects from keeping the breast implants in. It’s out there and at the risk of blaming it all on the implants and sounding a bit of a hypochondriac, but most people would rather live in ignorant bliss to keep a firm rack. If you want to research, just get online and look. The truth is, IMPLANTS DO NOTHING BUT MAKE YOUR BREASTS BIGGER. They won’t keep them perky; Mother Nature will bring them back down…and probably faster because they are heavier.

So, if you ever find yourself wanting perky breasts, get a lift or just accept them. It is always best to keep things out of our bodies that don’t belong there. And if you find yourself wanting bigger breasts, just smack yourself! What a burden!

Wait until we are old and need artificial hearts or something! Now that makes a little more sense. Or start to look at your boobs in the mirror and love their squishiness, their floppiness, their soft touch and how you can actually “feel” something rubbing against them..like your lover’s breath or your sweet infant’s mouth. That is what life is about. Not jelly filled bags buried into your chest. Just think about it.

I have made the decision to explant. My surgeon will be removing my implants and giving me a lift. I feel like I am in good hands. After speaking with him, he said it does not look like I have much breast tissue so I will pretty much be flat. Can I live with that? Yes, I can. I am nervous at the thought of going under again, but I am excited to be implant free! Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am getting these out for my health, my mind and my daughter.